I bet everyone have that moment when they suddenly loose their confidence, passion, and energy. I have it and I'm trying to get back all my so called burning desire, burning passion to achieve my goal in life.
When I was a kid I had a dream of becoming a doctor because I saw my sister and I thought being a doctor was cool. Until I went into a Senior High School, I changed my mind. I began to realize that I always good in English because believe it or not, I never cheated on English and I usually got high score when it comes to English subject. Then it hit me, I wanted to go to a college where I could learn English more. Therefore I chose one of the university in Bandung that provides a good English program. In the name of Allah, I applied there then I got in through an SNMPTN test which I recalled it was hard to finally got in through this SNMPTN. When I got in, I was so damn happy. My face was hurt from smiling too much. My family was happy for me too. I got so excited.
I went through all the semesters in a bad and good way. Everyone had their ups and downs, so did I. I got through the seven semesters all fine except that semester when I took the functional grammar subject. I got tangled by this subject. I didn't hate the subject, in fact, I loved it and still do. I began to write my paper proposal about this subject. However, when I realized that my score was "E" which means I got zero, it shocked me. I began to ask my lecturer and her assistant. Her assistant said that my final exam answer sheet was empty. Well, I got curious because as I remember, I answered every questions carefully. I even read my answer sheet three times to make sure I answered all of the questions. I began to wonder what happened exactly. Then, I remembered that I did skip the final exam day because I fainted over not sleeping for two days but I took the test separately. I asked my lecturer whether she gave my answer sheet to her assistant or not. As it turned out, she didn't. Well, that's the problem then. I asked my lecturer for my answer sheet because I needed to give it to her assistant so that I could get a score. However, she said that she forgot where she kept it. Her other assistant said that she will try to find it but months over months, she didn't give me the answer that I want. She lost it. My precious answer sheet was lost. God knows where.
That incident made me devastated because it meant that I had to take that subject next two semesters. I lost my confidence that day. However, I had to move on and accepted the fact that the incident was somehow a reminder for me to be careful next time.
What about my lecturer? Well, she didn't give a damn about it. I was the one who needed it, why did she have to care about it? She never felt wrong or sorry for me. That irritated me for sure but I couldn't say anything. Then I thought, that was okay. Water under bridge. Lets move on.
Then I took that subject again. I wasn't alone. There're a couple faces that I recognize. Well, I guess it wasn't just me. I began to attend the class all over again. However, I didn't know what the hell is wrong. Was it me or my friends and the others were just jerks. As it turned out, I didn't attend so many classes that I didn't know they were exist. My friends didn't tell, sure as hell my junior not too. I wasn't being informed if there were several make-up classes. I failed again. My lecturer threw me out of the class. I began to ask for her kindness to let me join the class despite my absence. I begged and begged but she didn't care. She didn't give a damn about my misery. She said that it was my responsibility, and she didn't want to know the rest or my excuses. I began to cry but she didn't care. I ran out of the class and I tried so hard to hold the tears down my cheek, at least, until I arrived at my boarding house. I cried so loud at my room. I told my friend what happened and she felt sorry for me. I didn't tell my parents about it. I felt so stupid. I knew that it wasn't entirely my lecturer fault. I gave contribution into it. Suddenly, I felt that I was being wronged by my friend, specially the head of the class. Every time I asked him whether there's class or not, he never replied my answer. He did reply me once but that's all. I couldn't keep blaming someone else. I tried to accept the fact.
However, that second horrible incident was really a big hit. I downed. I couldn't move on. I began to avoid my campus. I began to hate myself and everything that related to any campus matters. I drove myself away. My plan on making a paper based on this subject just went poof. I lost it. I lost my confidence, my passion, my burning desire to finish what I've started. I began to go into the darkness in me. I shut my brain for anything related to my paper. I refused to look at my proposal. I had no desire in finishing my study.
However, when I saw my friends graduated one by one. I left alone in my darkness. I began to get myself together. I took the TOEFL test and I surprisingly got a high score. I began to get my confidence back but that wasn't enough.
Now, I get so confused. I don't know what to write or what to do first. I guess this is the result when you decided to shut your brain. You have that brain freeze. I can't think clearly, I mean on my college-related stuffs. My brain refuse to cooperate with me. I need another brain teaser, a big one, to make my brain function excellently. I need to get myself together and look back to what I've always be passionate about. I love English subject and it always will be.
I look at my parents. They absolutely want me to graduate. My husband want the same too. I can't just ignore them. The fact that God haven't given me and my husband a baby yet is a big punch on my face that I have to finish everything before I taking care of a baby. I know that. I hope it's not too late for me. I know God put me in this position to make me stronger and better everyday. I can't stay in the same hole forever. I have to climb up and seek the light eventually. Everything is brighter out there and I just have to look. No one will ever be in the darkness forever. I know if I try hard, God will always lead me the way into that light I've been looking for.
Goodbye Dark Me, Hello New Brighter Me.
X.O.X.O Chirpy Girl
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